The last time I was with Brad, we went out for breakfast at a ma n' pops restaurant. It was a really cold morning-both of us were bundled up in sweaters, jackets-even Brad was wearing pants(!) Our waiter on the other hand, was quite the contrary...he was sporting these ridiculously short shorts. Every time he would pass us by, Brad would say "He's wearing short shorts!" over and over and over again, making me laugh.

I miss him so.

Memory is a fucked up thing. You are already slipping away. Our time time together has been reduced to a few moments. Shooting blow darts into your neighbors apartment. Eating acid and standing by a highway. Watching juniors dog play in the water on great mushrooms. Yelling bitchass at random yuppies in seattle. These are things that mean nothing to the general populace but to me they are special times and i am losing them. I want to hold onto you and all that you meant to me. Yet you are fading. What have I forgotten? Calling the hobbit shitter at large.

Last week or the week before I was up pretty late feeling depressed and went on a writing tangent.

The next day or so I felt depressed again and decided to put what I had wrote on here. Well blast it all someone was mad at me that day because after writing an extremely lonnngg blog including a few poems I wrote I went to click preview and my internet connection glitched and erased everything I had written.

So tonight, feeling especially down and stressed dealing with packing and whatnot I decide I'm finally feeling up to rewriting that blog.

Last week, I was driving down River de Peres and I looked to my left and saw your apartment building. The lights were on. I immidiately was reassured that you were home. It really creeped me out. I even thought about visiting your house. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you and how sorry I am for the way things ended between us. I figured you'd invite me in, we'd share a few laughs and all would be well.

I was under such a spell.

I would love to know so much now that I did not know about Brad. It really tears me up that I cannot ask him about all the interesting things I am finding out about him. I always felt close to him, but yet I see I did not know even half of what there was to know about Brad. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time and there was so much we did not talk about. I am starting to see that I think there were many different Brad's.

When will I realise and accept that you are gone; that you're coming back?

Puppies make most normal people smile... here is mine.

Her name is Payton (after Walter not Manning). She is about the size of a grapefruit right now =)

I bought this card for Brad's birthday that he would have had this year because it was absolutely perfect. It was bought before he died, but the words are still perfect.

My Son,

Wherever life takes you.....  on gentle breezes, beneath bright skies , over smooth  waters.   Love goes with you.