I would love to know.

I would love to know so much now that I did not know about Brad. It really tears me up that I cannot ask him about all the interesting things I am finding out about him. I always felt close to him, but yet I see I did not know even half of what there was to know about Brad. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time and there was so much we did not talk about. I am starting to see that I think there were many different Brad's. The Brad that was his mother's son, the Brad that was Patrick's brother, the Brad that was Marianne's brother, the Brad that was my brother. There was also the Brad that was Kate's husband and friend and Emily’s daddy. Then there was Brad that was Chad’s best friend and “wingman” in life. There was the Brad that his friends knew and the list goes on. As I talk to people and hear people talk, one constant is apparent. I am in awe at how deeply he really touched every person he came in contact with. He does not seem to have just been someone people knew, but someone that people loved. All people. I like to say he knew how much he was loved and liked, but how could he? I continue to be amazed at the intense grief that EVERYONE is feeling over his loss. He was and always will be an amazing man. I still do not believe he is gone, and I don’t know how that can be when I have every piece of evidence I need. My brain just continues to protect my heart from stopping by telling me that this is not real, that it can’t be because it is impossible. It is a strange place to be in. It is like looking at the sky and seeing it is blue, and knowing it is blue, but believing it is green. Your brain tells you it is green, but you see with your own eyes it is blue. Try to explain that one! But one thing is for sure, it still hurts unbearably. I am getting really good at controlling it most times but it sure is not healing. I really don’t believe it will heal. I will learn to live with it, but man am I scared for the day I might believe he is really gone. Cause this is already to much.

People go through life expecting at some point to lose their grandparents, parents and other older relatives. We learn this as we grow and mature that we will suffer the losses of loved ones. Butt I don’t think anybody goes through life thinking they will lose their brother or sister. They are always supposed to be there. I never planned on this and think it is so sick and wrong. I will never accept this, never. This is wrong. Why did my life give me the opportunity to take for granted that he would always be there. My whole life, I knew, if I ever needed him, all it took was 1 word. I knew Brad would come from anywhere for me, and I never ever doubted that. The part of that that makes me smile is that I also knew, that after that one word was spoken, there was no going back. It would be like opening the lions cage and letting them out and then saying oh, never mind come back. Nope, not Brad. He was my Brad and I ALWAYS knew I could count on him if I needed him. No matter how much distance, or time had passed, he was there. I hope he knew that. I told him, but did he know it? When I look at the baby and kid pictures I keep adding to the site, they look so different now. The knowledge I have now changes my whole childhood. I told you, I NEVER planned on losing my brother. I am sorry Brad for picking on you, but I loved you. I am sorry I did not play with you more, but I loved you. I am sorry I so easily got wrapped up in my own life, and did not stay in touch better, but I loved you. I am sorry there is so much I did not take the time to know about you, but I loved you. I am sorry to say that I was always proud of you and did not tell you till now. And now, I am finding out how much more there was about you that makes me proud to be your sister. I am sorry I did not get the tattoo from you I always said I wanted. I am sorry I did not visit you more, I just always thought there was a tomorrow. I am sorry sorry sorry for always thinking there was a tomorrow. I love you Brad, I miss you Brad, more than I can stand. Feel free to stop in any time. I will keep my promises to you.

KC PC BC

Love Kris