It feels like it's happening again. Only this time, I know ahead of time. This morning I watched the clock, knowing that sometime late morning he went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I have been dreading 10:18 pm all day. I know, at 10:18 pm, he made his last phonecall. I know he made 100 phonecalls everyday. Then at 10:18 pm, it all stopped. Now I am just here, feeling sick, wishing I had a bottle of something to start drinking. I don't know any more times after 10:18, but I have reasons to think 12:09 a.m. holds significance.

I've come by this page, from time to time to read the posts, the comments, browse through the pictures, hoping that I would feel Brads presence. But I don't. I never have, and more than likely, never will.

I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but I also feel as though it is best for me to put my self out here for you to read.  Perhaps as you are reading this, you might nod your head or agree silently with what I have to say. Of course, comments are welcomed and much appreciated.

We would love to hear from you, especially now. So please.....

Anybody out there with pictures, stories, anything, please know, now is the perfect time to share.                  

Brad had asked me for a lamp I had and I gave it to him. He bought an energy efficient bulb for it (that's our Brad). It was on that night, and burned all week near him. I am turning that on today, and it wil stay lit all week for Brad and his light.

A YEAR?  No  way. Two weeks. MAYBE two months. But Kristin nailed it.  365 days of pain and emptiness and missing Brad. How can I have this big of an empty space inside of me and still hold so much anguish?  KEEP HIM WITH YOU FOREVER PLEASE. DON’T LET HIS ESSENCE SLIP AWAY FROM YOU. If it was different, he would hold any of you close to him always. I hurt. I miss him so so much.

Kind of like a best seller. huh? Oh God, did you hear she has a new book out? Another peek into the insanity in her head! Yes but it’s so entertaining. I left some spaces for you Mari. :)

Is it coincidence that I keep seeing this picture even though it is supposed to be random images?  http://bradcassidy.com/node/392

I know he is passed out drunk in the photo, but it still breaks my heart.  I had some rough times recently, and I am starting to feel the anniversary coming up, even though I poo-poohed it earlier.  It is strange because I have no dread over the day coming up, but I am very tense and sensitive regardless. 

Wow, it really snuck up on me.  I just realized a few days ago, a whole year has gone by...