I remember your laugh. Your own unique laugh.

I remember the endless variety of smiles you had. Some of them very misleading. They were so you.

I remember your big bald head. Wish I knew then the amount of knowledge it was holding.

I remember your blankie.

I remember the damn Legos I always stepped on. Funny how I no longer am aggravated when I think of it.

I remember the last day I saw you, I was so pleased at you laughing at my jokes.

I remember feeling like a normal person. Not any more.

I remember when you were not in my head, all day, every day. It was okay to not think of you. 

I remember when this kind of stuff did not happen to us. It wouldn't happen to us.

I remember when I felt safe when you were here. Now I learned to feel safe because nobody can hurt me worse than you.

You took so much from us when you left, and you have no idea.

If I could only tell you the things that are still piling up inside of me. There is so much I need to say to you. So many things that have happened you should know about.

 Brad, 

Maybe I need to write this. I can't get over you not being here. You influenced me more than anyone I've ever met. I was always honored to be counted among you trusted friends. We became so very close so fast. When we began hanging out together, we realized that we needed each other. We would stay up all night explaining our philosophies on anything and everything to each other ...

I don't think I'm ready to write this... The pain is truly impairing me. I just want one more of our conversations together in the early morning hours. One more show together. One more trip to the library to cut out photos of art we like. I want you to be here. I need you to meet my daughter and husband. I need for you to be more than my memories and the stories I tell. 

Time goes by. It just keeps going. It feels like it is going faster and faster since April 2008. Like time is pushing me away from you, like I am supposed to start running. Strange. I am becoming resentful at the pain. It just follows me around like a fly. I have my book though. The notebook that gets to hold it. I  have been writing in it for two years now.

I miss you Brad. I miss you so much. I really thought you would be back by now. I am sorry I have not fixed this yet. I need to talk to you. There is so much going on and I want to tell you. Emily needs you. She needs you so much right now. I feel like I am sinking. Slowly sinking. I have so much going on right now that I cannot sit still for more than a few minutes, a day. It almost awes me how buried I am. So much to do. I guess keeping busy is what keeps me afloat. When I stop, you fill my head. Right now, I am stopped. It hurts. Sometimes, I am so so mad at you. Why did you take the risk? Why did you do this. This is such a mess and I can get it cleaned up, I can't fix it. But I am the repair man and I am supposed to find a solution. I can't find it.

I went today to Brad's apartment and left red and white flowers. The red and white symbolize the purity, life, vitality and love he had.

I still think this will get better. If I keep trying, I will find a way to fix this. He is going to call. I can still hear his voice, clear as day in my head. Still hear his heh heh heh laugh. I still get mad at him. I still get sad. I still laugh at him. Well, ok, Brad, I am laughing with you!

Sure wish he could stop by soon though

The picture is complete. We are not.

It's lonely here with no new stuff. I still come here every single day. Truly, every single day. I keep hoping something got added, pictures from the St Louis show, something new. We cannot get to the day when there is nothing new. Email anything you got. Anything.

More to come later today, we all know what today is. Today is ........

Today- is the last day I saw my Brad.

It seems like only two months. The pain is as bad as it always is, and yet as this time approaches, I could tell that my heart hurt - more?

How could it hurt more. And yet there is a difference. My stomach is tight and I feel worse and worse. I'm crying even more. I'm yelling even more - NO!  WE MISS YOU!  WE NEED YOU!

DON'T!  I'm half afraid to scream "Come Back", in case he has reached some Peace, but, sometimes it slips out.

All week- worrying, of knowing, of calling and calling, of knocking on his door and trying to talk to him through it - and open it- It's going to be another agonizing week. We need you Brad. Please - But I'm not sure please what. Don't let this be true, I guess.

I just had to let everyone know - Google Maps went live today with the beta of the bicycle friendly directions

http://maps.google.com/

It works for bicycle-only routes, like the Prairie Path here in Illinois.

Here's how to get to my house from Atomic Cowbow in only 25 hours:

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=atomic+cowbor+St.+Louis...

See it at the bottom of the page? That is only since Christmas. You guys are here, have at it. Post something. I am still here at the very least, once a day checking. Usually twice a day. Feel free to add on.

Pictures?

send them to info@bradcassidy.com   they will come right to me. Thanks guys!

I'll get them up here for you.

I was told that more than once. I went down to the benefit/memorial show. What a great time that was! Everything seemed to go well. It was really good to meet people who love Brad and people I had met before. Again I apologize to all of you I met up here at the service and did not remember. Please understand that your presence was very important to us, I was really messed up then. Actually I sometimes still am. I did notice everyone that day, but it is a blur in my memory .

Rob, thank you so much!  Keep us posted on dates for future events. Let us know if you need more buttons or anything. A lot of people were asking about the video, we’ll keep you posted on that too.