Marianne and I went to Brad's apartment. I talked to him, said a prayer and we left flowers (white) on the stoop where he used to sit and play his guitar. The day we moved his things, a neighbor came down and told us how much he enjoyed that and what a nice guy Brad was. I’ve been playing the cd Brad had in his player, I don’t know the name of the band, it’s in very stylized writing. The name of the cd is “Break The Cycle”. A line from one song is “I didn’t mean to slip away”.
I love you a bushel and a peck.
A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck.
And yet, we live in a culture that seems to require it, especially in our relationship – really a lack of relationship-with the dead. All of us are afraid to let go of the pain we feel about Brad, and we’re right. Without the constant reminder of the pain, Brad will cease to exist.
I just want to start by thanking all those involved in making this site possible. It has been an ally in what has been an ongoing battle with the realization that this is reality. Marianne, Kris, Kate, and Patrick amongst many others to us out there even the silent ones that cannot bring themselves to add to this site it is a solace. And for that I must always thank you.
It feels like it's happening again. Only this time, I know ahead of time. This morning I watched the clock, knowing that sometime late morning he went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I have been dreading 10:18 pm all day. I know, at 10:18 pm, he made his last phonecall. I know he made 100 phonecalls everyday. Then at 10:18 pm, it all stopped. Now I am just here, feeling sick, wishing I had a bottle of something to start drinking. I don't know any more times after 10:18, but I have reasons to think 12:09 a.m. holds significance.
I've come by this page, from time to time to read the posts, the comments, browse through the pictures, hoping that I would feel Brads presence. But I don't. I never have, and more than likely, never will.
I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but I also feel as though it is best for me to put my self out here for you to read. Perhaps as you are reading this, you might nod your head or agree silently with what I have to say. Of course, comments are welcomed and much appreciated.
We would love to hear from you, especially now. So please.....
Anybody out there with pictures, stories, anything, please know, now is the perfect time to share.
Brad had asked me for a lamp I had and I gave it to him. He bought an energy efficient bulb for it (that's our Brad). It was on that night, and burned all week near him. I am turning that on today, and it wil stay lit all week for Brad and his light.
A YEAR? No way. Two weeks. MAYBE two months. But Kristin nailed it. 365 days of pain and emptiness and missing Brad. How can I have this big of an empty space inside of me and still hold so much anguish? KEEP HIM WITH YOU FOREVER PLEASE. DON’T LET HIS ESSENCE SLIP AWAY FROM YOU. If it was different, he would hold any of you close to him always. I hurt. I miss him so so much.