It's happening again

It feels like it's happening again. Only this time, I know ahead of time. This morning I watched the clock, knowing that sometime late morning he went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I have been dreading 10:18 pm all day. I know, at 10:18 pm, he made his last phonecall. I know he made 100 phonecalls everyday. Then at 10:18 pm, it all stopped. Now I am just here, feeling sick, wishing I had a bottle of something to start drinking. I don't know any more times after 10:18, but I have reasons to think 12:09 a.m. holds significance. So, I am sitting here waiting till at least 12:09 a.m. I finally am by myself and it is quiet in here. I needed quiet, I needed to be alone. I know you guys are out there. I know we are all out here. I hope this place is again, somehow helping. For me, it has been amazing. Someplace to go. A common place for a common reason. It is exactly what I had wanted it to be. I am so thankful this family was able to put this together. I really needed/need it. I hope he makes a stop in on somebody.

Brad, you have unfinished business here. You have to stop back.

my mind is exhausted with emotions. thoughts.

I've come by this page, from time to time to read the posts, the comments, browse through the pictures, hoping that I would feel Brads presence. But I don't. I never have, and more than likely, never will.

I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but I also feel as though it is best for me to put my self out here for you to read.  Perhaps as you are reading this, you might nod your head or agree silently with what I have to say. Of course, comments are welcomed and much appreciated.

Brad and I had a difficult relationship. He was one of my first serious boyfriends. We only dated for a few months when I was 21 years old, and though that doesn't seem like a long time, a lot went down between us that to this day, makes my heart ache badly. Just thinking about the conversations him and I had brings a huge lump to my throat and a heaviness on my shoulders.

To "J"

We would love to hear from you, especially now. So please.....

Time to share

Anybody out there with pictures, stories, anything, please know, now is the perfect time to share.                  

Brad's Light

Brad had asked me for a lamp I had and I gave it to him. He bought an energy efficient bulb for it (that's our Brad). It was on that night, and burned all week near him. I am turning that on today, and it wil stay lit all week for Brad and his light.

A Year?

A YEAR?  No  way. Two weeks. MAYBE two months. But Kristin nailed it.  365 days of pain and emptiness and missing Brad. How can I have this big of an empty space inside of me and still hold so much anguish?  KEEP HIM WITH YOU FOREVER PLEASE. DON’T LET HIS ESSENCE SLIP AWAY FROM YOU. If it was different, he would hold any of you close to him always. I hurt. I miss him so so much. He told me so much but he would never tell me who saved him under similar circumstances. But he said “I am grateful” that he saved him. THANK YOU to that person.

Trying to make sense of what is happening

Kind of like a best seller. huh? Oh God, did you hear she has a new book out? Another peek into the insanity in her head! Yes but it’s so entertaining. I left some spaces for you Mari. :)


I never realized that maybe that’s why I have been sick and /or ailing for months. Nagging, sometimes horrible aches and pains, unexplained fevers, sinus and other infections, and an array of other stuff. It was interesting when I read E.J.’s post and I thought “Wow, that is what is wrong with me, it is physical loss & grief. My body is showing the signs of ongoing grief”. Suffering without words.  I actually, right now, am waiting on the results of a variety of test results from my doctor, trying to figure out what is happening to me. I know now.

Stuck on this picture...

Is it coincidence that I keep seeing this picture even though it is supposed to be random images?

I know he is passed out drunk in the photo, but it still breaks my heart.  I had some rough times recently, and I am starting to feel the anniversary coming up, even though I poo-poohed it earlier.  It is strange because I have no dread over the day coming up, but I am very tense and sensitive regardless. 

I find that when I accidentally notice his picture at my desk, I have a moment of panic every time... I think to myself, "shit, I have to do something before it is too late."  I feel the punch in the gut or the stab at that moment.  Then I realize right away that there is nothing to be done.  That is when the life drains out and I feel like an empty shell for awhile, like I have to deal with something out of my control, but I am not sure I want to.  I am really good at not wasting energy on things out of my control, but this...

A year of something missing...

Wow, it really snuck up on me.  I just realized a few days ago, a whole year has gone by...

For the past two months or so I've been feeling like crap.  I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, overworking myself, pushing myself, finding a million loose ends to pull my hair out over not being able to tie...trying not to think about something?....all this amidst dreary March/April weather.  For the past month I haven't experienced more than three days without a fever, runny nose or hacking cough.  No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired and run down.  No matter how much I accomplish, I still feel stressed and empty.  I think that we can often underestimate the subliminal effect that anniversaries have on us...especially unpleasant ones.  But often, no matter how much we unconsciously try to keep the pain out of our minds, our bodies won't let us forget.

I miss you, Brad.


United Kingdom
Directed by Anton Corbijn
Based on Deborah Curtis's biography “Touching from a Distance,” “Control” follows the rise and fall of Joy Division lead singer Ian Curtis, from his youth to his suicide on the eve of the band’s first American tour in 1980. 122 min.


I saw this movie last night, and ran from the theatre sobbing.   The end was just a bit too real for me. Too much like what happened the night Kris & I went to Brad's apartment.

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