It was only a dream...

It was only a dream, and it left me wholly unsatisfied in the morning. I still haven’t had a long breakdown that I know is coming, mostly just little punches in the gut. The longest are the days where I might have tears balanced in my eyes, yet they don’t fall on their own. Maybe too much salt in my diet creates a greater surface tension...

4th annual bike messenger prom... REALLY

Heather's picture

This makes me laugh and cry thinking about what Brad would have sported to this event he surely would have attended

4th annual bike messenger prom
Bottom Lounge, 1375 W Lake St 312-666-6775

Each passing day

Each passing day sucks. I despise the passing of each day. I can't stand the thought of each day that goes by, puts me farther away from my life with him. The life when I had my brother, my mother had her son. I don't like this distance, not at all. I all out sobbed today when I saw the corner of the picture I keep in my truck was curling. The marks that time is leaving. The dust that was on the keys of his computer. The idea that there will be no more phonecalls, no more crude comments, no more visits, no more anything. Just tears. I miss you so much, I cannot stand it. I will find a way to talk to you, I love you little brother, I always did, I pray you knew.

Kris, less one

Today I Spent Another Day

chad's picture

Hey Man,

Coming your way


I sent my dog Roxy your way last night Brad,

she likes company so watch for her.

More goodbyes


The last time I was with Brad, we went out for breakfast at a ma n' pops restaurant. It was a really cold morning-both of us were bundled up in sweaters, jackets-even Brad was wearing pants(!) Our waiter on the other hand, was quite the contrary...he was sporting these ridiculously short shorts. Every time he would pass us by, Brad would say "He's wearing short shorts!" over and over and over again, making me laugh.

I miss him so.

Brick walls...

Brick walls... every direction I move, brick walls.  Everything big and small I want to do, brick walls.  I squeeze out through a hole and find myself free to communicate, free to create, free to accomplish, free to do.  Then I realize the new space I find myself in is so vast as to dilute.  Nothing satisfies, it spreads out to fill the infinite and then seems so insignificant.  Crawl back through the hole until I feel like the brick walls are in my way again, until I wish I could call, until I think I could make a difference.  That hole is always hard to find from the inside, but so easy to locate from the outside.
I have things to say. I want to know you, Chad... I felt that when I saw you.  I miss Jr. and I don’t even know him.  I want to respond to everything that has been said.  I want to write all that I think of.
I know where the brick is that belongs in the hole.  I feel it in my stomach.

I am afraid I am already losing you

chad's picture

Memory is a fucked up thing. You are already slipping away. Our time time together has been reduced to a few moments. Shooting blow darts into your neighbors apartment. Eating acid and standing by a highway. Watching juniors dog play in the water on great mushrooms. Yelling bitchass at random yuppies in seattle. These are things that mean nothing to the general populace but to me they are special times and i am losing them. I want to hold onto you and all that you meant to me. Yet you are fading. What have I forgotten? Calling the hobbit shitter at large. Letting you take a punch from some redneck when you clearly deserved loudmouth motherfucker. Sorry homey when you pull a knife on me threaten to kill me and then  proceed to start a fight with a redneck twice your size (i am 165 lbs. at the time) your on your own. I will say i felt bad about your black eye but I also noticed you got alot quieter after that night (a good thing). I need a moment like this to re-calibrate. to re-affix you into my story. Tommorow starts without you, yet yestereday was created with you. I fear that I am not the messenger to convey all that was Brad.

Last week

Heather's picture

Last week or the week before I was up pretty late feeling depressed and went on a writing tangent.

The next day or so I felt depressed again and decided to put what I had wrote on here. Well blast it all someone was mad at me that day because after writing an extremely lonnngg blog including a few poems I wrote I went to click preview and my internet connection glitched and erased everything I had written.

So tonight, feeling especially down and stressed dealing with packing and whatnot I decide I'm finally feeling up to rewriting that blog.

Mother effer.... the notebook I wrote the poems in are already packed away... grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I could have sworn I left it out. ugh I quit.

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