A year of something missing...

Wow, it really snuck up on me.  I just realized a few days ago, a whole year has gone by...

For the past two months or so I've been feeling like crap.  I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, overworking myself, pushing myself, finding a million loose ends to pull my hair out over not being able to tie...trying not to think about something?....all this amidst dreary March/April weather.  For the past month I haven't experienced more than three days without a fever, runny nose or hacking cough.  No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired and run down.  No matter how much I accomplish, I still feel stressed and empty.  I think that we can often underestimate the subliminal effect that anniversaries have on us...especially unpleasant ones.  But often, no matter how much we unconsciously try to keep the pain out of our minds, our bodies won't let us forget.

I miss you, Brad.

"Control"

“Control”
United Kingdom
Directed by Anton Corbijn
Based on Deborah Curtis's biography “Touching from a Distance,” “Control” follows the rise and fall of Joy Division lead singer Ian Curtis, from his youth to his suicide on the eve of the band’s first American tour in 1980. 122 min.

 

I saw this movie last night, and ran from the theatre sobbing.   The end was just a bit too real for me. Too much like what happened the night Kris & I went to Brad's apartment.

Writer's block with writing about what others have written...

I'm stuck.  I've read The Catcher in the Rye three times since I got it from Brad's collection.  I've read The Crisis of Islam.  I've read nearly all of The Invisibles.  I understand not being able to write about the last two... they were so full of historical and geographical information that my head spins trying to recall any details.  The Catcher in the Rye, though... I guess I want to analyze this book too much.  I am amazed by this book and Holden's character.  I just noticed the book was dedicated to Salinger's mother.  I wonder if it was his way of helping her understand the way he was and the things he did and went through.  Was Holden him?  Yet another thing I'd like to analyze about the book.  But, the reason I'm writing now, even though I can't get myself to do a proper review of the book, is because of two things that stood out in the book.  I just can't NOT write about them any longer.  I won't say as much as I could about them here, but I just want them OUT.  I want to share them, because they were important and everyone should know them NOW.

made me smile

I've moved my desk at work a few times in the last few months, and didn't know when I would move again... they were supposed to be fairly short-term moves.  I just took what I needed to work with, and Brad's picture did not go with.  I just put it up again today.  There is a guy that sits by me, and I was sort of disgusted to watch him throw his scratch paper in the regular garbage.  I was really disgusted to see him do this on a regular basis.  What bothers me more than anything is that this is an engineer with five kids...

GODDAMNITFUCK!

we have all wished we could go back in time, but with what we know now, of course.  let me please go back in time with only one thing from this day.  only one thought.  one thing that i would not know why it keeps flashing in my brain all the time.  i'll forsake getting rich by knowing the future.  i'll give up the knowledge that i could have gotten laid sooner and more often with more girls.  i just want to bring one thought back with me and i will go through all the pain just the way it was, except for how i would use this...

help brad always.

I remember....

Add your memories to this... please.  I hope more comes back to me, because this is a short list right now.  I'm not pulling any punches because I want to remember everything.  Unfortunately the bad things are the ones that are easier to remember.

I remember playing "crab" with Kris and Brad.  One of us would curl up on the floor between the two beds and cover their eyes.  The other two would jump from bed to bed trying not to get caught by the crab.  We all thought later how horrible this must have sounded to Mom and Dad downstairs.

I remember playing "almost crash" on our bikes.  We would be in a driveway, and we would have to ride our bikes around and around and get as close to crashing without touching.

I remember playing "spy dive" at night.  We would wait for cars to come, then we would flop on the ground in the open assuming they didn't see us.

Another dream...

... but this one was a nightmare.  I don't know why I had this or where it came from.  The whole dream was Brad being a combative jerk to me.  In the course of trying to get him to stop and listen to me I used about a thousand different, non-damaging submission moves on him.  I'd try to explain to him that, if he would just stop, the pain would stop.  Then he would be pulling some more crap and I'd have him in some other hold causing him pain.  Not enjoyable.  At one point I had my elbow digging into his eye socket while I explained that, no matter how much it hurt, I was holding back and would he please stop so I could stop.  Nice thoughts.  Sorry, Brad... I really would walk away before subjecting you to all of that.  Then again, I hate the result of not having tried harder in real life.

Registration Issues

Recently we found out that there have been problems with getting registered on the website. The  problem is now fixed and everything should work correctly. If you still have any problems, please email us right away at info@bradcassidy.com

GOT IT!

Hey brother. Just wanted to tell you that we got your stuff back!  The Chicago Police Department does NOT get to keep anything of yours. Victory.

Long battle, sweet victory.

 

Did anyone know Brad was good with pets?

Brad taught me something last night.  I had this odd pet... I don't know what the hell it was, but it started off small and soft and lively.  Damn thing kept getting out of the little pen I made for it.  I needed to put it somewhere so I could build the right kind of cage for it.  I needed something with smooth sides so that it couldn't climb out, but I couldn't let go of it without fear it would get loose.  I set it in a bucket for the time being, but I realized that what was in the bucket might not be good for it.  I pulled it back out right away, but it was covered in filth, and I thought I needed to wash it quickly.  While trying to wash the fur and not hurt it, it somehow turned into an insect.  Now it was some kind of a beetle or cockroach-looking thing.  Not that I cared for it any less...

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