I feel like since Brad has been gone I have been in a funk. Haha... thats hilarious, of course I have been in a funk we've all been in a funk. I don't want to call it a depression because its not always sad. My happiest time was when I was in California but having to push back my move out there didn't help anything. So I have begun overhauling my life. I chopped half my hair off. I got a new job.... no its not in a restaraunt. I gave birth to a baby girl... puppy... who is the thing that keeps me going.

Brad,

I have opened this page so many times, to post something, and I never got anything typed. I have this overwhelming need to talk, to type, to write about Brad. I just have not had one "organized" thought to write. So I don't write. But yesterday I spent a few hours with Kate and we just talked. And we mostly talked about Brad. It is really nice to have somebody who I can just talk to about Brad. I decided the heck with it, I have no one organized thought, I am just posting to let some of it out.

I cannot stand this pain. I do accept that it does not get better and I will learn to live with it. But I still believe that if I hold out long enough that he will come back. If I believe it's true, and I accept he is gone, then that makes it real and I am not ready for that.

I found out that Brad loved cherry blossom trees. He wanted a tattoo of a cherry blossom tree on his back. How neat. I love hearing about the simple tree he liked, or the dorky oldies song, or just the regular everyday things. Some might think these little tidbits would be boring, but to me they are almost as vital as daily nourishment.

The other day as I was walking through Trader Joe's, I was stopped in my tracks and started weeping because this song came over their music systerm. Brad LOVED this song.

Years ago, there was a period when my car had no cassette player, and all we listened to was the oldies station. Brad would get SO excited when this song came on. He would never buy it because he said it would ruin the excitement of the song. I totally understand that. It was always a treat when we got to hear it - like a little extra magic in the day.

"Gling-Gló" is a song by Björk that Brad loved. I think the video fits it perfectly.

Ok well, I have been hunting and searching and I have got the Japanese Kanji symbol for peace. I have done enough hunting and research to be confident that this is the right one, but I still do now have the correct brush strokes, which I feel is very important. Here are some. They look quite a bit different from each other, depending on the style of writing, or calligraphy that is used. I will be working Brads name, birthdate, or initial into my tattoo somehow, but I have not figured that out yet. Here it is in a few different styles.

Among Brads' many talents was his memory. I think of all the time I have spent with him and wish that I could conjure up all that we had into a tiny blog post. Unfortunately, my memory is not as a good as I'd like for it to be. Brad had a good heart and loved to laugh. I miss his voice and his cutting humour. He always would end his emails to me with "Keep Your Chin Up". I know that he had a sunny disposition on life. He wanted to learn so much and share with it with the rest of the world.

I love Rumi. I read Rumi at the service and find such comfort in his words and wisdom. I wanted to post this Rumi poem, offering it to my loved ones who are suffering so.

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The Guest House - Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Happy Father's Day Brad.

I lit a candle for you.

We miss you so much.