Trying to make sense of what is happening

Kind of like a best seller. huh? Oh God, did you hear she has a new book out? Another peek into the insanity in her head! Yes but it’s so entertaining. I left some spaces for you Mari. :)


I never realized that maybe that’s why I have been sick and /or ailing for months. Nagging, sometimes horrible aches and pains, unexplained fevers, sinus and other infections, and an array of other stuff. It was interesting when I read E.J.’s post and I thought “Wow, that is what is wrong with me, it is physical loss & grief. My body is showing the signs of ongoing grief”. Suffering without words.  I actually, right now, am waiting on the results of a variety of test results from my doctor, trying to figure out what is happening to me. I know now.

Stuck on this picture...

Is it coincidence that I keep seeing this picture even though it is supposed to be random images?

I know he is passed out drunk in the photo, but it still breaks my heart.  I had some rough times recently, and I am starting to feel the anniversary coming up, even though I poo-poohed it earlier.  It is strange because I have no dread over the day coming up, but I am very tense and sensitive regardless. 

I find that when I accidentally notice his picture at my desk, I have a moment of panic every time... I think to myself, "shit, I have to do something before it is too late."  I feel the punch in the gut or the stab at that moment.  Then I realize right away that there is nothing to be done.  That is when the life drains out and I feel like an empty shell for awhile, like I have to deal with something out of my control, but I am not sure I want to.  I am really good at not wasting energy on things out of my control, but this...

A year of something missing...

Wow, it really snuck up on me.  I just realized a few days ago, a whole year has gone by...

For the past two months or so I've been feeling like crap.  I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, overworking myself, pushing myself, finding a million loose ends to pull my hair out over not being able to tie...trying not to think about something?....all this amidst dreary March/April weather.  For the past month I haven't experienced more than three days without a fever, runny nose or hacking cough.  No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired and run down.  No matter how much I accomplish, I still feel stressed and empty.  I think that we can often underestimate the subliminal effect that anniversaries have on us...especially unpleasant ones.  But often, no matter how much we unconsciously try to keep the pain out of our minds, our bodies won't let us forget.

I miss you, Brad.


United Kingdom
Directed by Anton Corbijn
Based on Deborah Curtis's biography “Touching from a Distance,” “Control” follows the rise and fall of Joy Division lead singer Ian Curtis, from his youth to his suicide on the eve of the band’s first American tour in 1980. 122 min.


I saw this movie last night, and ran from the theatre sobbing.   The end was just a bit too real for me. Too much like what happened the night Kris & I went to Brad's apartment.

Writer's block with writing about what others have written...

I'm stuck.  I've read The Catcher in the Rye three times since I got it from Brad's collection.  I've read The Crisis of Islam.  I've read nearly all of The Invisibles.  I understand not being able to write about the last two... they were so full of historical and geographical information that my head spins trying to recall any details.  The Catcher in the Rye, though... I guess I want to analyze this book too much.  I am amazed by this book and Holden's character.  I just noticed the book was dedicated to Salinger's mother.  I wonder if it was his way of helping her understand the way he was and the things he did and went through.  Was Holden him?  Yet another thing I'd like to analyze about the book.  But, the reason I'm writing now, even though I can't get myself to do a proper review of the book, is because of two things that stood out in the book.  I just can't NOT write about them any longer.  I won't say as much as I could about them here, but I just want them OUT.  I want to share them, because they were important and everyone should know them NOW.

made me smile

I've moved my desk at work a few times in the last few months, and didn't know when I would move again... they were supposed to be fairly short-term moves.  I just took what I needed to work with, and Brad's picture did not go with.  I just put it up again today.  There is a guy that sits by me, and I was sort of disgusted to watch him throw his scratch paper in the regular garbage.  I was really disgusted to see him do this on a regular basis.  What bothers me more than anything is that this is an engineer with five kids...


we have all wished we could go back in time, but with what we know now, of course.  let me please go back in time with only one thing from this day.  only one thought.  one thing that i would not know why it keeps flashing in my brain all the time.  i'll forsake getting rich by knowing the future.  i'll give up the knowledge that i could have gotten laid sooner and more often with more girls.  i just want to bring one thought back with me and i will go through all the pain just the way it was, except for how i would use this...

help brad always.

I remember....

Add your memories to this... please.  I hope more comes back to me, because this is a short list right now.  I'm not pulling any punches because I want to remember everything.  Unfortunately the bad things are the ones that are easier to remember.

I remember playing "crab" with Kris and Brad.  One of us would curl up on the floor between the two beds and cover their eyes.  The other two would jump from bed to bed trying not to get caught by the crab.  We all thought later how horrible this must have sounded to Mom and Dad downstairs.

I remember playing "almost crash" on our bikes.  We would be in a driveway, and we would have to ride our bikes around and around and get as close to crashing without touching.

I remember playing "spy dive" at night.  We would wait for cars to come, then we would flop on the ground in the open assuming they didn't see us.

Another dream...

... but this one was a nightmare.  I don't know why I had this or where it came from.  The whole dream was Brad being a combative jerk to me.  In the course of trying to get him to stop and listen to me I used about a thousand different, non-damaging submission moves on him.  I'd try to explain to him that, if he would just stop, the pain would stop.  Then he would be pulling some more crap and I'd have him in some other hold causing him pain.  Not enjoyable.  At one point I had my elbow digging into his eye socket while I explained that, no matter how much it hurt, I was holding back and would he please stop so I could stop.  Nice thoughts.  Sorry, Brad... I really would walk away before subjecting you to all of that.  Then again, I hate the result of not having tried harder in real life.

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