It's November

Miss you.jpg

Got a huge blow the other day, it still hurts. It is one thing to talk to each other and mention things about Brad, it is another thing when unsolicited, I get an email from the family tree website I work on telling me about Brad. So, I log on to my computer and get an email that had found a clue that matches someone in my tree, I think oh cool, click on the link and bam!  The record matched Brad, it is the Social Security Death Index. Owwwwwww. It still hurts, it was like someone ran a semi into my gut. I laid my head down on my desk and sobbed like I haven't sobbed in months. For some reason the outside source, hitting me when I was not prepared in any way, was bad.

It's November, his birthday is coming on the 28th. There should be something that feels right, to do on this day, but I haven't thought of it yet. My Mom desperately wants me to find the picture of her pregnant with Brad, right now, while it's the same time.

Baby Brad

I have always felt so jealous of the people that got to dream about you, I have had only a dream or two with you in it. It just seems like if someone is dreaming about you they are kind of spending time with you and that is what I am jealous of.   

Hi Brad

Just stopping by to say hello. I can't believe it's been over a year. geez, it still doesn't seem right.

This one's for you


I meant to do it for over a year now, but I got my tattoo for you. You already know what it means, but it is Japanese Kanji symbols meaning "Peace Baby Brother" . It's still healing in this picture and looks a bit grungy, but you get the idea. 

  I miss you little brother, a lot. It is now a more peaceful state of grief, but not easier or lessened. I am reading the Autobiography of a Tibetan Monk now. We stopped at a Tibetan store at Pike's Place and spent close to an hour talking to the guy there in the store. I now see why you became interested in Tibet and their culture. They are amazing people with their beliefs. I became so fascinated after listening to the guy at the store that as soon as a came home I could not wait to read and learn more about them. I can say, it will not be the only book I read about the Tibetans and the monks.

Footloose at Maxwells

I just got my weekly letter from Emily......loved this part......

in my last letter I asked her what her favorite memory of Brad was.....this was her answer:

"My favorite memory of Dad....hmmm theres so many...probably going to the record store when we moved to Chicago we bought a Kenny Loggins record and put him in the booth at Maxwells and fed him lemons.That was a great day, but there are so many great memories."




Brad loved this movie

The film is "Buffalo '66". It's one of my favorites, too. In fact, we watched it together. I remember him telling me how he could relate in some ways to Vincent Gallo's character, Billy.

Here's the trailer:

Also, a review of the film:


White flowers

Marianne and I went to Brad's apartment. I talked to him, said a prayer and we left flowers (white) on the stoop where he used to sit and play his guitar. The day we moved his things, a neighbor came down and told us how much he enjoyed that and what a nice guy Brad was. I’ve been playing the cd Brad had in his player, I don’t know the name of the band, it’s in very stylized writing. The name of the cd is “Break The Cycle”.  A line from one song is “I didn’t mean to slip away”.

I am so sorry Brad. You lost the most, and I hurt so hugely bad for your loss, but oh we lost so much too and MISS YOU.

I Love You

I love you a bushel and a peck.

A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck.

Love, Mom

Pain Sucks!

Pain Sucks!

And yet, we live in a culture that seems to require it, especially in our relationship – really a lack of relationship-with the dead.    All of us are afraid to let go of the pain we feel about Brad, and we’re right.   Without the constant reminder of the pain, Brad will cease to exist.

We love, and miss, and want him in our lives forever, but the bond is already broken. Our shame of forgetting, even for a moment, runs as deep as the hurt when we remember. Once we start to stop thinking about him every moment of every day he starts to fade like a photograph, until one day there is no more Brad, because no one remembers.   And so our pain keeps him fresh.

Wrong!  Wrong! Wrong!  and other societies seem to have figured it out. 

Reincarnation may be real or metaphorical, but it reminds its believers that a soul is always a soul in some form.   The body may change, but the person behind it is forever.  The earthbound have constant reminders that their lost ones aren’t lost, just with them in a different form.

1 down a lifetime to go

chad's picture

I just want to start by thanking all those involved in making this site possible. It has been an ally in what has been an ongoing battle with the realization that this is reality. Marianne, Kris, Kate, and Patrick amongst many others to us out there even the silent ones that cannot bring themselves to add to this site it is a solace. And for that I must always thank you.

Now, I feel I must state again that I am not crazy. I understand that Brad is gone and does not log in to this site regularly. However, this is the one place that I feel like I can still talk to him.And I will never let a resource like that sit idle.


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