Blog

I just got my weekly letter from Emily......loved this part......

in my last letter I asked her what her favorite memory of Brad was.....this was her answer:

"My favorite memory of Dad....hmmm theres so many...probably going to the record store when we moved to Chicago we bought a Kenny Loggins record and put him in the booth at Maxwells and fed him lemons.That was a great day, but there are so many great memories."

Marianne and I went to Brad's apartment. I talked to him, said a prayer and we left flowers (white) on the stoop where he used to sit and play his guitar. The day we moved his things, a neighbor came down and told us how much he enjoyed that and what a nice guy Brad was. I’ve been playing the cd Brad had in his player, I don’t know the name of the band, it’s in very stylized writing. The name of the cd is “Break The Cycle”.  A line from one song is “I didn’t mean to slip away”.

Pain Sucks!

And yet, we live in a culture that seems to require it, especially in our relationship – really a lack of relationship-with the dead.    All of us are afraid to let go of the pain we feel about Brad, and we’re right.   Without the constant reminder of the pain, Brad will cease to exist.

It feels like it's happening again. Only this time, I know ahead of time. This morning I watched the clock, knowing that sometime late morning he went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I have been dreading 10:18 pm all day. I know, at 10:18 pm, he made his last phonecall. I know he made 100 phonecalls everyday. Then at 10:18 pm, it all stopped. Now I am just here, feeling sick, wishing I had a bottle of something to start drinking. I don't know any more times after 10:18, but I have reasons to think 12:09 a.m. holds significance.