I want to thank you for your post. It seems as though you have given everybody else the green light to share their thoughts and hopefully get some of it out. It is like permission has been given to vent and release a little.
When I first thought about doing this website, it was within a day or two after. (I still don't like to put it into words) I just thought I wanted something to do, somewhere to go, etc. I can tell you, my initial thought is exactly what the website has become. I am so happy how our family worked together and made the perfect site. Yes, it's perfect. This is EXACTLY what I imagined. It is doing exactly what I imagined. It seems to be helping much more than I imagined. Thank you to my family. Especially,Sam, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking this and turning it into this awesome creation. Yes, I know, we did this together, but you led the parade, and I really really really appreciate everything you did and continue to do.
Comments
chad
Really Kris I should be thanking you
Tue, 07/01/2008 - 7:27pmI have been spending alot of time on this site lately. It has been one of my closest companions of late. I cannot thank you and your family enough for this place and especially how nice you all were when we came up. To be Honest we were not really sure what we were walking into and to find all these kind, understanding people treating us not only with respect and caring but also with genuine tenderness really helped us through a devastating loss. To finally put faces to names and have them be great people is a gift I will always cherish.
This last week has been brutal on me. My fiance` left for India for two months and I had suggested to Brad to come stay with me for awhile before his death. He seemed genuinely excited about the idea so I kind of in my mind had it scheduled. So this is really the first scheduled thing that he has missed in my life and I have been hurting really bad as result. I understand that this is never gonna go away. He will miss every major (and minor) milestone and I have to learn to cope with not having him here to make fun of it. Brad was closer than family to me, your stuck with family you choose your best friend. I was so excited to have him stay here, to show him my house and how far I have come from some of the times we spent together. For example sleeping on his kitchen floor for 4 months in absolute poverty. Inwardly I was kind of hoping that during his time here I could kind of inspire him to go back to school and use that big beautiful brain of his for something other than beating himself up. Instead I have been spending my time in a big empty house repeating to myself my current mantra "I JUST WANT MY FRIEND BACK." As though if I repeat it some magic number of times I will be granted a few moments with him. In my heart I know that it will never happen and his loss is meant to strengthen me in some way, but fuck that I JUST WANT MY FRIEND BACK.
I knew Brad like no other person in my life. I really understood him, so at one point I thought I had steeled myself for this. I really thought that I was prepared for him to be taken from me and I thought that though it would hurt my preparations would guide me through. In some ways that is true but in many others I was woefully unprepared for what lie in store. Reading through his book list (at least one of which is mine) and looking at his pictures have really been comforting to me. I honestly loved your brother. He was a funny bastard and deep down a generous kind man. Imperfect mind you, but my dearest friend as a result of those imperfections. Becasue frankly who wants to hang out with perfect. Perfect doesn't lay into you with razor sharp wit when you say something trully stupid...Brad however did. Brad always challenged my intellect, he wanted to know and I wanted to know what he was talking about, and vice versa.
OK fuck it enough outta me. I just sat down to say thank you and here I am rambling. So thanks to you and your whole family. It has meant so much to me that you lot have not blamed us (my friends and I) for not being able to prevent this. It shows what kind of stock my best friend came from..the best kind. It is clear to me now that many of his best traits were instilled in him from his family and that it is no coincidence that he was such a great man.
sincerely,
Chad "ohm...I just want my friend back....ohm" hazelwood
patrick
Please!
Tue, 07/01/2008 - 11:02pmI do not blame anyone for this! Anyone who may have been a bad influence on Brad was likely in the same boat and getting no benefit. Please, nobody think that Brad's family is pointing fingers. Personally, I blame myself more than even the bastards that sold him his shit. I know that this is a common thing for the living to feel... no need to comfort me. We all knew that Brad was not going to be pushed, so we all let things run their course. It seems like we could have done more, but none of us really knew how hard to push without causing more harm than good.
I don't have much to say right now in spite of the flood of emotion... I am all locked up and certainly in a funk. Chad, the first thing I thought when I saw you had another post was, "cool, Chad has a lot more to say." It was like a feast laid out in front of a starving man. Ramble on, Chad, ramble on. You may not be talking to Brad, but those who are listening are doing so in the spirit of Brad. You are touching those that have been touched, taught, entertained, beat up, and otherwise forever affected by Brad. I hope that helps a little bit.
chad
First off I loved what you said at the funeral
Wed, 07/02/2008 - 1:56amDude nothing that has transpired has ever for a moment led me to think that your family blames his friends, Yet as his friend it is hard not to feel like I could have done more. That is the worst thing about loss, i am stuck replaying every conversation I had with Brad. Every time I could have pursued it yet held back. Every time I wanted to say more but did not press. These are resounding images in my mind. Haunting conversations where he left himself vulnerable and I was not (could not be) there for him. Brad was a stubborn man, and a smart one to boot. Sometimes he was very hard to argue with, very draining and this is what I am struggling with. Was I too lazy to save my friend? Did I lack the fortitude needed to deal with an adversary such as Brad was? This is what keeps me up at night.
I love this. I love talking about him. It makes me feel like I am filling the void that he has left me. And that is just it on the one hand I love my brother with a fierce intensity on the other hand I am furious that he has left me. Rajbir has found me yelling at him, screaming at him at the top of my lungs. This is so easy for him all he has to do is sleep while the rest of us mourn. I was not married to your brother but I loved him and I fully expected to grow old with him sharing all my experiences. Wether it be my upcoming marriage (he was to be my best man) or just hanging out at my house. He was supposed to be here. I wanted his advice as I raised my first child and i need his humor to get through everyday. These things have been taken from me though.
By the way I just wanted to say that I love the fact that you guys decided to include his booklist. Everytime he and I talked we always asked what the other was reading. We spent hours talking books and discussing what they meant to us. I am sorry to say I do not think he ever read FDA Follies. That was my book, I bought it at a show in Chicago like 10 years ago (Hellnation with Short Hate Temper it was fuckin badass) and your brother ridiculed me for years about it because he bought a record (a great one) and I bought that book.
I have some great recordings of Brad playing bass and if all goes well we are going to put out Fucko the clown ep. Which I know you have probably never heard of but it is your brother at his most genius. It was a side project we did where Brad just pretty much made up everything as he went posing as a drunken child abusing clown. The fucking audio is hilarious, he came up with songs like "I got your balloon animal swingin, Juggle my two balls, and Trippin at your birthday gig" off the top of his head. Keep in my mind this is not a record you want say Emily to have on her top five but it is fantastic nonetheless. Trully it is one of the greatest original punk rock recordings I have heard.
I am rambling again. and I need to go to bed. But know this, St. Louis lost one of its favorite sons. My brother was your brother too. He shares a place in my heart that no one else can occupy. And Patrick you are welcome near there. If ever you want to talk please feel free to call me 314-732-8194. By he way Creation is mine too it is a badass book you should really read it.
with much love and the highest regard,
Chad "loss=gain or at least that is what i am told to cling to" Hazelwood