Thinking out loud

I have opened this page so many times, to post something, and I never got anything typed. I have this overwhelming need to talk, to type, to write about Brad. I just have not had one "organized" thought to write. So I don't write. But yesterday I spent a few hours with Kate and we just talked. And we mostly talked about Brad. It is really nice to have somebody who I can just talk to about Brad. I decided the heck with it, I have no one organized thought, I am just posting to let some of it out.

I cannot stand this pain. I do accept that it does not get better and I will learn to live with it. But I still believe that if I hold out long enough that he will come back. If I believe it's true, and I accept he is gone, then that makes it real and I am not ready for that.

I found out that Brad loved cherry blossom trees. He wanted a tattoo of a cherry blossom tree on his back. How neat. I love hearing about the simple tree he liked, or the dorky oldies song, or just the regular everyday things. Some might think these little tidbits would be boring, but to me they are almost as vital as daily nourishment.

I found out that Brad had wanted to be a bike messenger for a long time. It was like a dream of his. How cool and awesome that he got to do something he dreamed of. I wish we could have found out who he worked for.

I found out that Brad was familar with Critical Mass http://chicagocriticalmass.org  and that him and Kate had attended before and they loved it. That made it easy for me to decide to ride at least once for Brad, since he can't. Maybe I'll find out I like riding a bike and I did not even know it.

I found out a lot of things about both of my brothers, I should have known a long time ago. They are both so much better that I knew. And I had already thought I had two brothers that I was always proud of. I found out that we should have been closer and leaned on each other more than we did. We all just kind of went on with our busy lives, not realizing that we were going to be robbed before we knew it. Life has stolen my brother and I am mad. Life has stolen a child from my parents, a father from his children, an uncle, a friend, a very special and important person to way more people than I would have imagined. I hope my brother Pat is prepared to take on the load of being my only brother, because I am going to be leaning on him. I feel very lost lately because it feels as though everything is different. Everything I thought and knew and cared about, somehow has changed. Not necessarily for the worse, just changed. It is amazing how some things that seemed so important, can suddenly become meaningless when this happens.

I wish I was a songwriter, or a poet or something. It seems like then I would have an oulet, or a way to creatively express this grief and misery and make it something more beautiful instead of this ugly pile of crap that resides in my gut. This website will always be changing and added to because it has become my song and my poem I can't write. I keep trying to encourage anybody I can, who knew Brad, to participate in this and add to it. Like Pat said, every little tidbit of information is special.

This whole thing is an outlet, and I hope it does not depress anybody. I actually hope that somebody walks away from it realizing that we should be living our life in a thankful state, for what we do have. Because, anything and anybody can be gone in the blink of an eye.