made me smile

I've moved my desk at work a few times in the last few months, and didn't know when I would move again... they were supposed to be fairly short-term moves.  I just took what I needed to work with, and Brad's picture did not go with.  I just put it up again today.  There is a guy that sits by me, and I was sort of disgusted to watch him throw his scratch paper in the regular garbage.  I was really disgusted to see him do this on a regular basis.  What bothers me more than anything is that this is an engineer with five kids...


we have all wished we could go back in time, but with what we know now, of course.  let me please go back in time with only one thing from this day.  only one thought.  one thing that i would not know why it keeps flashing in my brain all the time.  i'll forsake getting rich by knowing the future.  i'll give up the knowledge that i could have gotten laid sooner and more often with more girls.  i just want to bring one thought back with me and i will go through all the pain just the way it was, except for how i would use this...

help brad always.

I remember....

Add your memories to this... please.  I hope more comes back to me, because this is a short list right now.  I'm not pulling any punches because I want to remember everything.  Unfortunately the bad things are the ones that are easier to remember.

I remember playing "crab" with Kris and Brad.  One of us would curl up on the floor between the two beds and cover their eyes.  The other two would jump from bed to bed trying not to get caught by the crab.  We all thought later how horrible this must have sounded to Mom and Dad downstairs.

I remember playing "almost crash" on our bikes.  We would be in a driveway, and we would have to ride our bikes around and around and get as close to crashing without touching.

I remember playing "spy dive" at night.  We would wait for cars to come, then we would flop on the ground in the open assuming they didn't see us.

Another dream...

... but this one was a nightmare.  I don't know why I had this or where it came from.  The whole dream was Brad being a combative jerk to me.  In the course of trying to get him to stop and listen to me I used about a thousand different, non-damaging submission moves on him.  I'd try to explain to him that, if he would just stop, the pain would stop.  Then he would be pulling some more crap and I'd have him in some other hold causing him pain.  Not enjoyable.  At one point I had my elbow digging into his eye socket while I explained that, no matter how much it hurt, I was holding back and would he please stop so I could stop.  Nice thoughts.  Sorry, Brad... I really would walk away before subjecting you to all of that.  Then again, I hate the result of not having tried harder in real life.

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Hey brother. Just wanted to tell you that we got your stuff back!  The Chicago Police Department does NOT get to keep anything of yours. Victory.

Long battle, sweet victory.


Did anyone know Brad was good with pets?

Brad taught me something last night.  I had this odd pet... I don't know what the hell it was, but it started off small and soft and lively.  Damn thing kept getting out of the little pen I made for it.  I needed to put it somewhere so I could build the right kind of cage for it.  I needed something with smooth sides so that it couldn't climb out, but I couldn't let go of it without fear it would get loose.  I set it in a bucket for the time being, but I realized that what was in the bucket might not be good for it.  I pulled it back out right away, but it was covered in filth, and I thought I needed to wash it quickly.  While trying to wash the fur and not hurt it, it somehow turned into an insect.  Now it was some kind of a beetle or cockroach-looking thing.  Not that I cared for it any less...

Amazing Man

“What an amazing man.” Words from my reading at Brad’s funeral. Today I want to say it again. I have spent the last two hours going through his book list, seriously going through it. I am only part of the way through it.  In the past, I have glanced and skimmed, but nothing really caught my eye. Today I just wanted to see what he had. I would like to pick out a book or two to read. Well, I started at the top of the list and if the title did not tell me exactly what the book was really about, I typed it into Amazon to see what the book was. The titles are really no indication as to what the book is about. Well now I have a list a mile long already and I want to hop in the car and go get them, right now. I want my hands on them, I want to read them, all, now! Wow, I can see how Patrick got so fired up  about the books. What a collection Brad has. I am sorry Patrick, that we did not have a way to get them to you immediately.

Still getting harder

Well, his birthday was hard, so hard. But then the holidays came. I don't know why, but it feels like things are supposed to stop. Christmas should not come anymore because he is not here. But still, yes still, I don't really believe it. Now we are in 2009, a year he was not in. I  so did not want the year to change. I just feel sick lately. Sick of him not calling me, or stopping in, or something. I miss him and there is so much he needs to know. Why won't he just call. I have things I need to ask him. I miss you Brad, I miss you to the point  that it pains my every cell in my body. I can't even feel your presence and it hurts. I have shut down inside. 2008 has taken more from me than all the years in my life combined. I have seen more death this year that ever. I should be glad to enter a new year, but I hate moving forward without you. I HATE IT. Time won't stop, life won't stop. I have guilt for living, but my kids are who I need to live for, not just be alive, but live. You know, I know you do, but I am sorry. I love you baby brother, I will always be proud to be your sister.

Crappy New Year


Heather's picture

Today I was thinking... about a lot, as usual. And a friend called me asking e what my plans for New years Eve are. I said... well jeez, considering I have no job or money probably celebrate with my dog in my new house. Which sounds absolutely wonderful to me. This got me thinking about the past year and I got so angry. It was the type of angry that if I was with anyone at the time they would have seen it in my face - they probably would have experienced it as I am not the best at directing my anger in the proper places. I just realized what a TERRIBLE year it has been. I started the year so happy and joyful last year - and this year I just want to say goodbye to this 2008 piece of trash. I've lost so much, we've all lost so much. that it just pisses me off... and its so bad to the point - I really can't even be happy about it being over because I guess its really not... the things and the people we have lost we can't get back. So the only thing that can come from the next year is more pain from the same losses... I know thats the pessimistic way of looking at things and I'm being uber depressing.

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