Stuck on this picture...

Is it coincidence that I keep seeing this picture even though it is supposed to be random images?  http://bradcassidy.com/node/392

I know he is passed out drunk in the photo, but it still breaks my heart.  I had some rough times recently, and I am starting to feel the anniversary coming up, even though I poo-poohed it earlier.  It is strange because I have no dread over the day coming up, but I am very tense and sensitive regardless. 

I find that when I accidentally notice his picture at my desk, I have a moment of panic every time... I think to myself, "shit, I have to do something before it is too late."  I feel the punch in the gut or the stab at that moment.  Then I realize right away that there is nothing to be done.  That is when the life drains out and I feel like an empty shell for awhile, like I have to deal with something out of my control, but I am not sure I want to.  I am really good at not wasting energy on things out of my control, but this...

Other things... I am happy to see another friend of Brad's posted... thank you.  Kind of like a funeral is for the living, this site is, too.  It is for Brad, for his memory, for his friend's, for his family, and for anyone else who chances across it and can learn from it.  I wrote to Brad once on this site, even though I don't really feel I am writing to him.  I have to say, it was good, and I won't hesitate to do it again.  Feel free, people.  Maybe this is a stretch, but we keep Brad alive by remembering him... each of us remembering what he let us know about him (as Chad said).  At the very LEAST, talking to him through this website reaches all the little pieces of him kept alive through the others on this site.  Each of us thinks about what you say to him and contemplates how Brad would have taken it based on our experiences with him.  If that is all we can have, I'll be happy with it.

And another bit of news... I got to hang with Junior last week at another house concert... four bands.  I had a good time.  It had been awhile, partly because I was scared to be around that scene with the drinking given my usual fragile state of mind in the winter.  Junior said he also had a rough time for awhile, and had distanced himself from the scene and was just getting back into it.  He looked pretty damn healthy physically and seemed mentally well.  It was good to see him again, and I hope to see him more often over the summer.  Junior, if you pay attention to this website, I hope you don't mind my report.  I think you are a cool and interesting person in addition to the fact that you are an important link to Brad for all of us.  I am sure the family wants to hear you are ok, too.