Current

I remember your laugh. Your own unique laugh.

I remember the endless variety of smiles you had. Some of them very misleading. They were so you.

I remember your big bald head. Wish I knew then the amount of knowledge it was holding.

I remember your blankie.

I remember the damn Legos I always stepped on. Funny how I no longer am aggravated when I think of it.

I remember the last day I saw you, I was so pleased at you laughing at my jokes.

I remember feeling like a normal person. Not any more.

I remember when you were not in my head, all day, every day. It was okay to not think of you. 

I remember when this kind of stuff did not happen to us. It wouldn't happen to us.

I remember when I felt safe when you were here. Now I learned to feel safe because nobody can hurt me worse than you.

You took so much from us when you left, and you have no idea.

If I could only tell you the things that are still piling up inside of me. There is so much I need to say to you. So many things that have happened you should know about.

In the blink of an eye, you became memories. Memories. Unfinished business. The pain, when I let it, or when it barges in, is still so raw, so fresh, so sickening. It truly physically pains me. Nobody can say it gets better with time. It gets worse with time. I just get better at living with it. But it never gets better or easier. It seems like it should be so bad to have a total meltdown, like happened today. But it's not. It is a current event. A new event. An active thing that has to do with you. And it brings you current again. It brings you to today. And tomorrow it will be yesterday. But at least it isn't years ago. So be it. If we stop talking about you, it becomes the past. I will not let you become the past. Not my past. You need to pay a visit. You need to stop in.We miss you.