It was only a dream, and it left me wholly unsatisfied in the morning. I still haven’t had a long breakdown that I know is coming, mostly just little punches in the gut. The longest are the days where I might have tears balanced in my eyes, yet they don’t fall on their own. Maybe too much salt in my diet creates a greater surface tension... I can feel them literally sloshing back and forth, but I still end up wiping them out with a sleeve or a tissue or a napkin. Not a gulley-washing grieving by any standards. So, I had two last night in dreams. The first was as I was getting ready for some big event, or was at some big event. I’d had one drink, but it really had me feeling odd. I thought of Brad. I was in a back yard, and “it” just hit me. I fell to my knees, put my hands behind my head, then just leaned over until my face was on the ground. And wept. And cried out. And Brad came. And he sat on me. Yep, he sat on me. It wasn’t like I felt one ass on my back, it was the presence of him pressing me down, I felt it on every bit of my body that was not facing the ground in my stance of despair. It hurt. I couldn’t breathe. It felt so much better than the numbness I have felt ever since April. I continued to cry, and he continued to press. I have the impression that Brad had an air of humor about him, maybe, if I could have seen him that he would have had a bit of a smile on his face. Finally, in my head, I cried out, “I miss you and I miss what we could have had and what we could have done and what we could have learned and what we could have taught had we known we were so alike SOONER.” I guess I didn’t really think all of that specifically, but you know how your mind can cram a lot of unspoken meaning behind a simple statement like, “I miss you, you fucker.” He understood. The pressure came off. I don’t know if Brad “left” me with the thought that he was ok, or that he missed me too, or that he forgives me for not trying harder, or that he knows we were the same, but it was a reassuring thought that he left me with. It was then (in the dream), that my friend Tom came and picked me up off the ground. Later this morning, in between hitting snooze on the alarm, I had another half-awake dream... I was in the back of our old, blue station wagon. I was getting ready for something else, and I just started crying. It wasn’t crying with the frustrated, high-pressure feeling of not being able to control things. Instead it felt cleansing. I don’t know that I have ever cried for a long period of time, heaving and with eyes flowing. More brick walls. When I woke up, my pillow was dry and I felt no relief. I recognize what I had in the dreams. I recognize that I need to go through this. I remember how real it all felt. I remember how deep it was. I knew it didn’t happen, though.
Happy Birthday Little Brother.
Comments
Kris (not verified)
Dreams are safe
Tue, 09/02/2008 - 6:44pmYou know why you haven't had the gully washing grieving? For the same reason I haven't, your body and your brain is protecting you from more than you can handle. It knows more than you and me. It knows that the pain that brings you to your knees, that takes over every cell in your body, is too much to bear. I have had a couple of those, it is like a freight train rams into my middle, it literally doubles me over, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, my mind, in an almost audible voice, says "It can't be, it's impossible, it's not true" Every time my brain takes over and throws it out within seconds. It made no sense to me, I have every piece of proof and evidence, but I still don't really believe it. I read a great book about grief and grieving and it almost blew my mind, that book knew everything I feel, everything. All the way down to the quick two second thought that ran through my mind and then left. It is amazing that it knew every phase, everybody does it slightly differently, they come in and out of phases, but they are all the same. Your dreams are letting you feel your grief in a safer place. You can’t just fall to your knees at work, or at the store, or at a race, but your dreams are safe. Talk to Mom when you feel like it, she had an experience the other day also, what’s interesting is it involved her back also. That gut wrenching pain, is unbearable. It is indescribable. But it is lurking there, waiting like a mugger in an alley. When it is least expected, it hits. I keep feeling if I could just talk to him and plead with him and explain things to him, I convince him to undo this. We could make it go away if we could just work together. Or if I hold out long enough, it will all go back to normal. Hang in there brother, you are changed, and will remain that way. I am sorry but believe it or not, I don’t want to get better, I don’t want to stop hurting, if I do, I feel as though I have accepted it, I that is not an option. Some might say it sounds as if I am choosing to feel this pain, but no it is not a choice. Maybe in some way these feelings just help me think I am in control of my misery, even though I also believe I am not in control of this. I will not get better, we will not get better, just better at living with it. I love Brad, I always did, I love you and always will, we cannot afford to lose anybody else. I will not let another feeling like this go unspoken, I traveled that road, and ended up at a dead end with a trunk full of regret.