empty

I was driving this morning, running some errands and listening to some music when a song came on my iPod that Brad and I both liked and that he had given me on a CD sometime within the last year or so. It made me think of him and in the past whenever I would hear or see things that reminded me of him or times we had shared together, I would give him a call and say, "hey! I was listening to this song....." and we'd talk about how awesome it was or something. This morning, I had the same immediate reaction and I so badly wanted to call him......then I got this sinking, dark feeling in the pit of my stomach. It just hurt so bad. It was this profound emptiness and sadness that I know will never go away. I hate this and I hate this feeling.

I miss my friend and I miss our jokes. I can't stand the fact there are things in this world that only Brad and I shared and fond funny - and no matter how I explain the joke to someone else, they'd never get it in the same way.

I want to shoot off an email to him or leave a message on his voicemail......in the off chance that he just might get it. Dammit. I have never known hurt like this......I am killing myself over the fact that in his last months we were so estranged. Things were so hard and he was so difficult to deal with sometimes. I wish I could have said or done something to make it all different. There's so much I wish I had done differently and I can't help but think had I just called him back and mended some of the broken pieces, things would be different. I thought we had more time. I never expected the end of my time with Brad to be like it was. I always thought things would be okay and he'd be okay and we could work everything out and he'd get to see Emily grow up and they'd be peas in a pod again when she was older. Dammit. You always think you have one more day......

I miss you Brad. I have two words for you.....Bojaf Icewhip.