Untitled.

Yesterday, I sat still and wept over you. There were no words, only tears. The pain I was in was palpable. And the one person I wanted to say it to, you, weren't there.

I wanted things to work out between us. I wanted to you to get your shit together before it was too late. I thought that you would. Because I believed in you. I guess it was a false sense of hope. . .

It pains me more than I can words that I won't see you again and be allowed to touch your face. Or hear your voice, or see you smile. I'll never have that again and I'm fucking pissed.

I've struggled over and over with the idea that I could have fixed you. That I could save you from your pain and your self destruction. I can't.  I'm only human. And I hate that. I want to snap my fingers and bring you back. I want all of this to be a lie, a really awful lie. Better yet, I want to awake from this terrible dream.

I try to think of people, things, and places that I'm grateful for today. But I can't. Not today. Today, I want to be mad.

 I think a lot about our last conversation and how ignorant and mean you were. I get so damn tired of reminding myself that wasn't you, it was your addiction. But  I can't. Not yesterday, nor today.  Today, I want to be angry.