Brad,
I am watching the cursor blink and wondering what I am finally gonna say to you. This hurts man. Like nothing else I have ever felt. You were my brother, meant for a wingman seat at everything I was gonna do. Today sucks. Was there anything I could have said? We talked ad nauseum about this, and yet I could never formulate the sentence that would keep that needle outta your vein. You used to ridicule me for smoking every chance you got and yet here i sit smoking a cigarette missing you like nothing I have ever felt. You were the one person I conneced with, the person I could say something to and know for damn sure that the message was received. I am sitting in an empty house right now, wishing to god for two more minutes of your time. This is pain like nothing i would ever wish on anyone, you were supopsed to be here you bastard, Rajbir loved you and you were supposed to be my best man, you made my girlfriend cry her eyes out man i hope that sits with you. I know this is supposed to be a love filled site but damn it i miss you too much right now. None of these people knew you like I did. FUCK! I just want my friend back for one more conversation. Even if it is about gum like our last talk. I just want to talk to you man. I thought that my note i wrote at your funeral would be the last thing I said to you, I am glad it isn't. This hurts you fucker, i miss you like nothing else I have ever missed. I have discovered recently that grief is like herpes, it lies dormant for a while and then I have an outbreak. Sitting in my house all alone texting you like you still might answer. I can never delete your name man, if that is the only way that I can hold onto you so be it. I am missing you so much these days. I wanna call you so bad. You know just to make sure the friendship doesn't die like you used to say. I look at all the people every day that you were better than and wish that I cold steal one breath from them and give it to you so i could talk with you for just a minute more. I question wether I could have said something more. the wordsmih that stuttered in the kings presence. the swordsmith that that sent the knight into battle with a sword that could not survive the fight.. i failed pure and simple. I know how much you loved your daughter and I know how much you wanted to be a family man, this was not within you and it haunted you. Sometimes we can not manufacture what is not is us by our will. I wish I could have made you understand these things, but you were a stubborn motherfucker and you died a stubborn motherfucker. Kate wanted better of you than you were willing to give at the time, and it was too late by the time that you finally got it.I remember looking at you at multiple times and saying "you said what to her?!" but you would never hear. There is only so many times that you can show up at a persons door shitfaced and expect them to still love you. Please forgive Kate. She has endured and is one of the best champions of your legacy. I am too, I hold you in the highest possible regard.Between you and me I could really use another visit right now buddy and thanks fo the comforting touch on my shoulder.
Your best friend until the last grain through the hourglass
Chad "only Brad would get it " hazelwood
Comments
Kris (not verified)
what can I say
Fri, 06/27/2008 - 7:54amChad,
It's Kris, Brad's sister. I so desperately want to write something to you, but at the same time I feel as though I am walking in on a private conversation. This site is for everything Brad. Happy, sad, mad, scream at the world if you want. Put it all here, any of it. It pulls tears out of us, but it helps. I tell you what, I hope we(Brad's family) never lose touch with you. If you want to or need to do this everyday, vent, talk, cry whatever. It is turning out to be very helpful to us.
I would like to tell you it gets better, but I have figured it will never get better. This pain and misery filled backpack we carry around now, we will carry for life. It will get a litlte easier to carry it, but that backpack will still weigh the same. Thank you every minute of every day forever for being all of this to Brad,. I have more to say, and I will , God knows, I never know when to shut up. but I want to give you time. Thank you for your words, and we will talk soon. You did not fail, none of us did, but especially you. You were so much to Brad and Brad was so much to you, that is not failure. He needed us, I saw his phone records. Failure is not applicable. You were someone he could tell it all to, that is success, plain and simple.
Kris (not verified)
What I would give for one
Sun, 06/29/2008 - 10:04amWhat I would give for one more talk, one more 3 hour phone conversation, no matter what time of day. What I would give for that he he he laugh and hear his voice. I already have so much I want to tell him about, and it bottles up inside me because I can't call him and tell him. I have a rage inside me that I can't figure out what to do with. One day I sail, the next day I sink. This whole thing does suck, and I have screamed out loud to Brad some pretty harsh words that I would never want to admit too. To be mad at him hurts twice as bad as missing him. This website, at least for me, I do believe everyone else, is a place to "put" it. A place to channel "it". If I didn't dump this stuff on here, I don't know how I would get it out. I am sure this site does different things for different people, but it has no rules. There is no right or wrong.
Would love for you to come up here. I would love to talk Brad with you. I will never get tired of talking about it. It would also be nice if you could come up to laugh and smile with us. I bet you have a lot of damn funny stories and we would enjoy the heck out of them. At some point though, we are coming there too. My Mom talks about you a lot and she really is attached to you. and has a deep concern for you. I know she would love to see you too. Just know you are always welcome here, from all of us.
Kris (not verified)
from Linda, Brad's Mom
Tue, 07/01/2008 - 9:47amChad,
My mom is not on here yet but I wanted you to hear what she said. We were talking about the website and I was telling her how it was great that others felt safer to start venting since you did. I mentioned how you felt wrong because you said it is supposed to be a love filled site. This is what she said - "That is love, it is a love filled site. What he said came out of love for Brad and missing him. It is so loving" And she cried a bit. And I realized how right she is. Love is not always happy cheery smiling words. What you said is loving. Until she gets on here, I wanted her to be able to say that.