Understanding yourself, it's fun...

I was a tall, thin kid all the way through high school.  Hardly enough to notice, a nobody for the most part.  I was fairly proud, though.  I remember a friend asking me once, “Why do you walk so tall?”  I replied, “Do you see anybody pick on me?  It is walking tall and confident that keeps me out of trouble.”  I felt tall, too.  I’m sure I remember the doctor measuring me at six feet, so I proudly reported that every chance I got, every time I had to get a new license.  Oh, what a blow to my ego when a doctor’s visit found me to be 5’10”.  Did I shrink?  Was I wrong about how tall I thought I had always been?  It didn’t matter, I was not six feet.  Period.  It didn’t bother me for too long.  I reasoned it out.  I already feel that the majority of women I am attracted to are awfully short.  Of course, that is relative to whatever size I am, whether it is 6’ or 5’10”, and they still seem short.  But, it would be worse if I was taller, right?  

I don’t always realize right away how short some people are.  I’ve had several instances where a woman has appeared to be Amazonian to me.  When I was in Nevada eating dinner with my dad, I saw the manager of the restaurant we were in.  I thought she was attractive, but a little intimidating height-wise.  She was in control of the situation and taking care of business.  We left when she was nearby and, when I stood up, I realized she was probably 4” shorter than me... I would have pegged her at my height or taller.  Strange, but I had experienced this before.

 I pay attention to these things because I find that understanding myself is the best way to combat my problems and my runaway emotions.  It is also interesting and helps me to see through the smoke and mirrors and get a glimpse of reality.  I understand better where others may be coming from as well as where my thoughts and actions may originate from.  I can often stop myself from acting foolishly by understanding myself so well.  Through this I have come to believe that most of what people do isn’t out of malice, it is out of stupidity.  Much easier to accept.

The experience that solidified my understanding of people appearing taller than they are happened in the airport this year.  I was at the gate waiting to board my plane, early as usual because I don’t like to stress about being late when it comes to airports.  I was absolutely worn out, sad, and deflated.  My trip was to Chicago to be with the family and try to say, “Goodbye” to Brad.  All the feelings of loss and guilt and helplessness were fresh.

There was a guy at the next gate that looked like Sean from work.  He did, but he didn’t.  Crap, I was not feeling social, but I would feel like an ass if I didn’t say anything and he saw me.  I just couldn’t be sure that was him.  Then a girl walked up to him, and she had the curly, dark hair that I remembered from the Christmas party.  They wandered over by one of the bagel places, and she went in while he stood in the corridor.  I figured I would just wander near, put myself in view, and see if HE would notice ME.  I was about ten feet away when I realized that this guy was way too tall to be Sean.  Lucky bastard, though... looking like Sean AND being tall!  I was going to have to ask if Sean has a brother, because the guy seemed like a clone.

About a week after I got back, Sean came by for a rare visit, and I said, “Hold on, stand still.”  I stood up and practically shouted, “Ha, you ARE shorter than me... that wasn’t you at the airport.”  Sean is several inches shorter than I am.  After he got over the confusion at my response, he mentioned that he had been at the airport recently.  It turns out that it WAS him.  I think he was feeling a little taller as he left me, happy to hear me describe how I was no more than ten feet away, and would have sworn he was as tall or taller than I am.

Well, of course this had me interested, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that it had to do with my emotional state.  I FELT small at that time in the airport.  I felt like there was nothing worth holding myself upright for.  I felt like I was less than I had been just days earlier, both physically and mentally.  The sadness and the guilt were heavy enough to compress me.  I know that, because of habit, I was walking tall just like I always do.  It truly was not a physical shortening through bad posture.  This was all perception.  Fascinating.

Yes, it is fascinating, but it is also important for each of us to understand what our minds can do to us.  I am fairly certain that I voiced my desire to my mom about helping Brad to understand WHY he was who he was.  WHY he did what he was doing.  Understanding has helped me not need drugs and alcohol to fight the bad feelings, maybe understanding would help Brad to stop needing them.

I have had other “revelations,” the most recent due to changes I’ve made to follow the things I believe in as opposed to just believing in them.  I didn’t realize the guilt that I had over eating whatever was convenient.  After reading some of the books that Brad had, I am NEVER going to eat from a fast-food restaurant again, and I am very near a completely organic diet.  I still feel the pressures of other things I could be doing to lead a good life, but I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders just because I am doing the right thing with food purchases.  I didn’t realize how heavy that weight had been because it had increased slowly over so many years.  I knew what I could be doing, but I wasn’t doing it.  This was always nagging me quietly, but nagging nonetheless.

When I realized how much happier I was, I thought about those who are “religious.”  So many people who consider themselves religious cherry pick what from their particular religion they “believe” in.  It is pretty much the stuff that doesn’t cause them to alter their everyday behavior.  Although it seems like they are unaware of their hypocrisy, I wonder if there is a nagging voice in their heads at all times.  I wonder if they would feel sense of relief from being fully religious that would be greater than the “care-free” life they fool themselves into thinking is ok with their god.  What else are people allowing themselves to be nagged about?

 I wonder if the drugs and the alcohol and the television and the video games and the 40+ hour work weeks and the constant need to talk or text on cell phones and the parents who drive their kids to soccer and football and baseball and the Zoloft and the Viagra are all ways to quiet the nagging that would be so loud if we allowed it a moment to be heard.  Would we need to drown it out or shut it up if we would just fix what it was nagging about?  Face it?  Make changes?

We are all fooling ourselves about something but, deep down, we know... Understand yourself and you will be able to fix yourself... the extra-added benefit is you will understand others.  Talk to others about what you learn.  They may expound on your findings, realize something about themselves, or be inspired to consider themselves their own, mental hobby.

Sometimes it may be too late.