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Hard Times

  Hard day. Not that any of them are easy anymore. We are so grateful to the ones from St. Louis who were able to come for Brad's services, and appreciate the ones who wanted to but couldn't.  We are so glad for the people Brad cared about, liked or loved and the people who care about, like or love him. Thank you for what you gave him and what you allowed him to give you. You mean a lot to us as individuals, not just as "one of Brad's friends".  You will be in my prayers as long as I am here. We really hope we can see you all again sometime when we are in St. Louis or maybe you will be up here. 

Brad lives on in all of you too. 

This year

 This year as well as flowers, I lit guardian angel candles at 2258 W. 18th Place. I know the landlord puts the flowers in front of his door and I also know they'll light the candles for him. He will always deserve the tears a mother sheds for him. We still wish you were with us. 

I Love you and Like you,

Mom

your daughter

Brad, talk to Emily your daughter needs..............................

I wish

 You loved hanging around in the bookstore and browsing. I wish you had hung around long enough to read those books you bought that day. 

Road Trip

Brad Loves road trips. :)) Thank you. 

Happy Birthday

 Happy Birthday Braden. 

I miss you. The empty place isn't getting any smaller-it just keeps getting bigger and emptier.  I am so sorry Son.  You should be living your life.  I am still aware of you, you are with me constantly. You, Marianne, Kristin and Patrick. It's always been that way, it will always be that way and I will still always worry! 

I love you and I like you,

Mom

Brad gets a full moon for his birthday! or..........maybe he gave us a full moon. 

Cmon

 Hey man, I could use some advice here. Or one of our 3+ hour conversations or something. Smmething? Help me out. I really do not want to see what is at the end of the rope but I am losing my grip. Pick up the phone and call me. 

Dreams.

So my friend from wyoming kept calling me today during work. And I was thinking why would she keep calling me if it wasn't an emergency. And then she texted me telling her to call her ASAP and so i did and I havent spoken to her in a longlonglong time so it was a bit strange and confusing. So she says "alright this will be fast, when did your dad die" and i told her april 29th 2008. and she said that last night she had a dream about my dad and me when i was a kid that we were standing outside a house having a "father daughter moment" like hugging and stuff. and she said that when she woke up from the dream she felt this overwhelming need to tell me that my dad truley loved me. and I was like awww ok thank you! not thinking too much of it, but then I got home and noticed a post my aunt kris had made about my dad and it hit me, dad didn't actually pass away on the 29th, he passed away last night 4 years ago. It's really something if you ask me. Honestly it makes me feel peaceful <3 It's also quite coincindental because just a few nights ago I was looking up the meanings of different things in dreams, I guess dreams have a way of telling us things.

Went today

 I went to Brad's apartment building at first light this morning. Left flowers on the stoop again and prayed for him and his soul. Stared at the last place I saw my son, the last place I touched him. Tears pouring. I still don't quite believe it and I dread the time I do. This is so unbearable how much worse to really believe and accept it. I miss him. I hurt for the family and friends who miss him, enjoyed him, need him. Thank you Chad for the note it helps, it's good to know his friends still have him with them. I believe and hope that on some level in some way Brad's friends will always keep him with them. 

I painted Brad's room here at my house, it was so hard to change what he saw, what he looked at. I started a wall of pictures over his computer desk. Please friends send snapshots so he can have more of his friends pictures there. Of course he is in the picture with you I will be really glad too! 

Goodnight Brad. I'll never let you out of my heart. Thank you for being you. Boy I miss your sense of humor. 

What to say

 I don't even know what to say. I need to say something and all my words are buried under all the nonsense going on right now. I need time to myself this week with a clear head and I don't think I am getting it. But I hope you know that although there is a severe lack of words, there is no lack of missing you or thinking about you. Miss you little brother. Not less every year but more. 

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