Kris's blog

This one's for you


I meant to do it for over a year now, but I got my tattoo for you. You already know what it means, but it is Japanese Kanji symbols meaning "Peace Baby Brother" . It's still healing in this picture and looks a bit grungy, but you get the idea. 

  I miss you little brother, a lot. It is now a more peaceful state of grief, but not easier or lessened. I am reading the Autobiography of a Tibetan Monk now. We stopped at a Tibetan store at Pike's Place and spent close to an hour talking to the guy there in the store. I now see why you became interested in Tibet and their culture. They are amazing people with their beliefs. I became so fascinated after listening to the guy at the store that as soon as a came home I could not wait to read and learn more about them. I can say, it will not be the only book I read about the Tibetans and the monks.

It's happening again

It feels like it's happening again. Only this time, I know ahead of time. This morning I watched the clock, knowing that sometime late morning he went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I have been dreading 10:18 pm all day. I know, at 10:18 pm, he made his last phonecall. I know he made 100 phonecalls everyday. Then at 10:18 pm, it all stopped. Now I am just here, feeling sick, wishing I had a bottle of something to start drinking. I don't know any more times after 10:18, but I have reasons to think 12:09 a.m. holds significance. So, I am sitting here waiting till at least 12:09 a.m. I finally am by myself and it is quiet in here. I needed quiet, I needed to be alone. I know you guys are out there. I know we are all out here. I hope this place is again, somehow helping. For me, it has been amazing. Someplace to go. A common place for a common reason. It is exactly what I had wanted it to be. I am so thankful this family was able to put this together. I really needed/need it. I hope he makes a stop in on somebody.

Brad, you have unfinished business here. You have to stop back.

Time to share

Anybody out there with pictures, stories, anything, please know, now is the perfect time to share.                  

Trying to make sense of what is happening

Kind of like a best seller. huh? Oh God, did you hear she has a new book out? Another peek into the insanity in her head! Yes but it’s so entertaining. I left some spaces for you Mari. :)


I never realized that maybe that’s why I have been sick and /or ailing for months. Nagging, sometimes horrible aches and pains, unexplained fevers, sinus and other infections, and an array of other stuff. It was interesting when I read E.J.’s post and I thought “Wow, that is what is wrong with me, it is physical loss & grief. My body is showing the signs of ongoing grief”. Suffering without words.  I actually, right now, am waiting on the results of a variety of test results from my doctor, trying to figure out what is happening to me. I know now.

Registration Issues

Recently we found out that there have been problems with getting registered on the website. The  problem is now fixed and everything should work correctly. If you still have any problems, please email us right away at


Hey brother. Just wanted to tell you that we got your stuff back!  The Chicago Police Department does NOT get to keep anything of yours. Victory.

Long battle, sweet victory.


Amazing Man

“What an amazing man.” Words from my reading at Brad’s funeral. Today I want to say it again. I have spent the last two hours going through his book list, seriously going through it. I am only part of the way through it.  In the past, I have glanced and skimmed, but nothing really caught my eye. Today I just wanted to see what he had. I would like to pick out a book or two to read. Well, I started at the top of the list and if the title did not tell me exactly what the book was really about, I typed it into Amazon to see what the book was. The titles are really no indication as to what the book is about. Well now I have a list a mile long already and I want to hop in the car and go get them, right now. I want my hands on them, I want to read them, all, now! Wow, I can see how Patrick got so fired up  about the books. What a collection Brad has. I am sorry Patrick, that we did not have a way to get them to you immediately.

Still getting harder

Well, his birthday was hard, so hard. But then the holidays came. I don't know why, but it feels like things are supposed to stop. Christmas should not come anymore because he is not here. But still, yes still, I don't really believe it. Now we are in 2009, a year he was not in. I  so did not want the year to change. I just feel sick lately. Sick of him not calling me, or stopping in, or something. I miss him and there is so much he needs to know. Why won't he just call. I have things I need to ask him. I miss you Brad, I miss you to the point  that it pains my every cell in my body. I can't even feel your presence and it hurts. I have shut down inside. 2008 has taken more from me than all the years in my life combined. I have seen more death this year that ever. I should be glad to enter a new year, but I hate moving forward without you. I HATE IT. Time won't stop, life won't stop. I have guilt for living, but my kids are who I need to live for, not just be alive, but live. You know, I know you do, but I am sorry. I love you baby brother, I will always be proud to be your sister.

Crappy New Year

If I

If I put it on paper.

If I put it in a song.

If I put it in a poem.

If I put it in words.


Does it all go away?

Does it stop hurting?

Does he hear me then?

Does he know how we feel?

Will it all go away?

Looking for information, I guess

I have this continuing need to do something. Everyday I must do something related to Brad. I do see that I go out of my way to prevent my wound from healing, I will admit it. I do not want to get better, I actually am afraid of getting better. Figure that one out.

Syndicate content