Heather's blog

WARNING - mood RUINER

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Today I was thinking... about a lot, as usual. And a friend called me asking e what my plans for New years Eve are. I said... well jeez, considering I have no job or money probably celebrate with my dog in my new house. Which sounds absolutely wonderful to me. This got me thinking about the past year and I got so angry. It was the type of angry that if I was with anyone at the time they would have seen it in my face - they probably would have experienced it as I am not the best at directing my anger in the proper places. I just realized what a TERRIBLE year it has been. I started the year so happy and joyful last year - and this year I just want to say goodbye to this 2008 piece of trash. I've lost so much, we've all lost so much. that it just pisses me off... and its so bad to the point - I really can't even be happy about it being over because I guess its really not... the things and the people we have lost we can't get back. So the only thing that can come from the next year is more pain from the same losses... I know thats the pessimistic way of looking at things and I'm being uber depressing.

Not sure what to title this...

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The other day I was in the subway and saw a man jump in front of the train to kill himself. He was just an average looking man... nothing outrageous or outstanding. He must have been standing 10-15 ft from me. And he was just waiting for the train with all the other after work commuters but he was waiting for a different reason. I remember looking over and seeing him and not really thinking anything about him. Now I have passing thoughts hinking if I had looked closer and seen some sort of sadness of hurt in his eyes or in his face maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have just told him something simple like... you matter or you are special... and he would have seen the light. I know thats stupid and in reality if I had said anything it probably would have just prolonged what he was doing or it wouldn't have changed anything. Then I get tp thinking about Brad maybe if I had tried harder to get ahold of him that day I could have heard something in his voice and talked him out of that last little bit. But its the same thing... as unfaithful as it sounds, it probably would have only prolonged the inevitable.

4th annual bike messenger prom... REALLY

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This makes me laugh and cry thinking about what Brad would have sported to this event he surely would have attended

4th annual bike messenger prom
Bottom Lounge, 1375 W Lake St 312-666-6775
THE RACE IS THE MAIN EVENT OF THIS WEEKENDS NORTH AMERICAN CYCLE COURIER CHAMPIONSHIP. HOWEVER, THE WACKY PROM - DURING WHICH MESSENGERS SPORT THEIR FINEST VINTAGE TUXES, DRESSES, AND THE OCCASIONAL BANANA COSTUME - IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE PABST- FUELED SOCIAL APEX. 8PM - 2AM, $15.

Last week

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Last week or the week before I was up pretty late feeling depressed and went on a writing tangent.

The next day or so I felt depressed again and decided to put what I had wrote on here. Well blast it all someone was mad at me that day because after writing an extremely lonnngg blog including a few poems I wrote I went to click preview and my internet connection glitched and erased everything I had written.

So tonight, feeling especially down and stressed dealing with packing and whatnot I decide I'm finally feeling up to rewriting that blog.

Mother effer.... the notebook I wrote the poems in are already packed away... grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I could have sworn I left it out. ugh I quit.

My baby...

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Puppies make most normal people smile... here is mine.

Her name is Payton (after Walter not Manning). She is about the size of a grapefruit right now =)

Changes

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I feel like since Brad has been gone I have been in a funk. Haha... thats hilarious, of course I have been in a funk we've all been in a funk. I don't want to call it a depression because its not always sad. My happiest time was when I was in California but having to push back my move out there didn't help anything. So I have begun overhauling my life. I chopped half my hair off. I got a new job.... no its not in a restaraunt. I gave birth to a baby girl... puppy... who is the thing that keeps me going.

Not to sure...

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Hey guys. So I have been meaning to do this for awhile now. But I seem to be having a mental block. Such an urge to say something... anything. But can't come up with it. So in order to satiate my need to contribute and express my feelings. I have come up with this... stealing someone else's work. This is a song that makes me think of Brad. I hope it's not to sad or depressing for you guys. It makes me cry every time I hear it but when its over I feel better...

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